R.I.P.
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Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
it’s finally my moment to shine
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see