My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
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Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I cannot call her anything else now
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.