Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
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[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.