Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
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RT if you know someone like this!!!
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
this is the news I live for
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti