Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
You Might Also Like
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.