Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
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Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.