*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
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Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child