Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
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Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.