Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
You Might Also Like
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back