@dogboner: racist frat dudes.. now ive seen everything.
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@shariv67: I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
@TheMichaelRock: After shaking someone's hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.
@ItsAndyRyan: "Everyone has at least one novel inside them" – Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift