RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
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Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.