Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
forgive me baja for i have blast
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.