me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
You Might Also Like
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Breaking news:
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
What about a To-Don’t List?
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle