[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
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If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one