[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
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1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess