[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
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Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
when there are deer in the woods
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.