[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
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Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed