big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
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Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Autocarrot sucks!
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.