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@Jeeepsta: Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
@GrowlyGrego: *breaks into your house at night*
*finds your bedroom*
*blows on you til you wake up*
HI I'M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?
@simoncholland: I tried to help by doing my daughter's hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
@DannyZuker: "WAIT!" I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added "TUBE" so yeah, God exists.
@NurseSeymour: Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
@astutenewf: 13: Dad, What's detour mean?
Me: Get a dictionary and look up tampon.