Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
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My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Just finished cleaning and canât find the kids.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know itâs to annoy my husband
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like itâs a drug deal. đ
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for âsex on the beachâYou offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered âI thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it nowâ
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
This is funnier than it should be. đ
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
âHey, buddy. How was work?â
And the dog goes âRUFF.â
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay Iâll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
me: the earth isnât flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: itâs the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didnât you?
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”