@OuterJohn: Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you're finishing a marathon.
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@BeardSpice: [God creating spiders] What if I made a tiny land octopus that could walk on walls?
@Scimommy: Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what "nerd" means.
@GrumpyBahr: Preacher: God's love is unconditional! Me: Then why is there a hell? Preacher:...... Me: Your move.
@JohnFugelsang: Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something