Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
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You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.