Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
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Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Breaking news:
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.