Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
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Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I’m about to risk it all
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Happy thanksgiving!
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Haha good job!!
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…