Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
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No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Me My dog
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin