[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
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I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
What do you hear?
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.