[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
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me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?