[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
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so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”