This is no longer an app but a mishapp
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Hey Fugeddaboutit
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories