[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
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Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!