Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
You Might Also Like
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger