Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
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I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
courtroom exchange of the day
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.