Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
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My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.