Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
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Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?