Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
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this is how life feels
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
how to exercise your calf muscles
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show