Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
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the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
.. do you even science?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
decorating my apartment
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.