Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
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Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
meanwhile over on facebook
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Oh thanks BBC.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend