Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
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Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.