Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
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“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
relationship goals
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.