Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
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The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
God has left this place
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.