@GimpySunshine: ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits :(
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Dawn_M_: I stepped on two raccoons today, but I'm just gonna play it cool and wear them as slippers for the rest of my life.
@astutenewf: *boss at staff meeting* Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting? Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.
@michel_lesann: What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?