The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.