Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
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Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Lol
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate