Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
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thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
This makes total sense…
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder