Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
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guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
This is a whole mood;
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid