Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
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PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Bootstraps
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.