Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
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Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order