@wickedsuga: Randomly play a recording of a candy bar wrapper being opened just to keep your kids on their toes.
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@carlyken: [bedtime] brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US me: SLEEP brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
@Black__Elvis: My girlfriend accused me of sleeping with her sister and I was like, "How can that be possible when her snoring keeps me up all night?"
@CherBear162: Did you hear that? What? DID YOU HEAR THAT? NOT "WHAT?"..WHAT!? What? *axe murderer kills both*