being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
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Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history