@wickedsuga: Randomly play a recording of a candy bar wrapper being opened just to keep your kids on their toes.
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@asimplesean: Just saw a dog with three legs. He did have a fourth leg, but he also had three legs.
@david8hughes: [911 call] "My hand's stuck in a blender!" "Turn it on then." "What?" " I can't hear it, turn it on so I know you're not lying."
@panmidwest: THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day! ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?