Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
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8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Had to try this trend 😊
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial