Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
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amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I already tried new things thanks.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Well, that should do it
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.