@JIMBOSWELT: Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
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@JumbledButts: Prison Guard: "So you two cons are in love?" Con1: "Yes." Con2: "It's like we finish each other's..." *in unison* "death sentences."
@Swishergirl24: The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
@david8hughes: Wife: morning Me: good morning Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that's great
@weinerdog4life: Listen buddy, I don't know why I'm doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen