@JIMBOSWELT: Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
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@MrJeberling: Once while eating bacon I said I was "getting piggy with it" and now I have no friends.
@Douchekevin: Men don't ask for driving directions because we just don't want to arrive wherever you're making us go.
@jctwritesstuff: The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don't take him out.
@The_Whip_Hand: PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.