Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
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“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
definitely did not do anything wrong
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.